FISTFULAYEN

As anyone who tried to get in touch with me during November knows, I found myself a juror in a medical malpractice trial recently. After three full days of jury selection I got pulled in as an alternate. I was prepared with a list of reasons they didn’t want me. I’d had surgery at the defendant’s hospital, had personal experiences with some of the issues in the case. I had a sidebar with the judge and the lawyers. Didn’t matter. Fact is, when you’re the third alternate they don’t much care what your excuses are, chances are you aren’t even going to deliberate. Especially when it’s 4:40pm and they like to get out of dodge at 4:30. So it took them three days to pick twelve jurors and five minutes to pick me. Goodbye November. Poof. Mark Walker explained my selection: “You can’t hide an honest face and a sense of justice.” Lucky me.

But hey, it’s not like I’m going to pick up a gun and fight for the world’s freedom, and aside from paying taxes this is all the government is going to ask me to do for my country, so I did it without complaining. I showed up on time every day even though court never started on time, paid attention for the most part, and didn’t do anything that would cause a mis-trial.

In the end I’m not sure I agreed with the outcome the jury found so I’m glad I didn’t have to sit in the deliberations and argue. It wasn’t a responsibility I was too psyched about, to be honest.

Overall I was pretty impressed with the process. There are plenty of problems with our jury-of-your-peers system, but it gets an E for effort. The judge conducted a fair trial, the lawyers weren’t anyone I’d want defending me but took their jobs very seriously with a lot of reverence for the court, and the jurors were impressively responsible and respectful of the process.

That said, I learned a few crucial lessons about medicine and law in my three weeks in the court room. I’m going to jot them down here so not to ever forget them:

1. Surgery is fucking crazy. I sat through three weeks of testimony from doctors and nurses and god damn, they can cure prostate cancer. It’s gnarly and makes me squirm just thinking about HOW they do it, but it’s pretty crazy that we figured it out and do it all the time. Even if it doesn’t work EVERY time, the fact that it EVER works is some impressive shit.
2. Never, ever go to Kaiser, belong to an HMO, or let anyone you love go to Kaiser or belong to an HMO. I get why it’s SEEMS a good idea politically, but as Mark Walker said, it turns out having the money and the doctors on the same side of the table creates problems — they align against the patient. Your family and health are worth too much. Spend the extra loot for a real insurance plan.
3. In the case that you need surgery, get the best doctor in the world. Not the one that your friend knows, not the one on TV, get the one that’s triple-boarded and WROTE THE TEXT BOOK THAT ALL THE OTHER DOCTORS USE. Why fuck around?
4. If you might find yourself in court, don’t. Settle that shit. It isn’t worth it. What this poor couple went through was more humiliating than those casting calls Pat D, Shewchuck, and I used to go on, and that’s saying a lot. You do NOT want to go to trial.
5. When you do have legal trouble, get the best lawyer you can find. In the case I alternated for there were three defendents, so four lawyers in all. Only one was someone I’d hire myself, you could tell he was GOOD and he managed to get the case against his client excused a few days in. Don’t mess around. Get the best. If I need a lawyer I want to see their stats, wins, losses, etc. I’m going with the best record.

So I’m out of the pool for a few years. Here’s hoping it’s a good long time.

ian